Exactly
why the Brits were the first to adapt the infamous American horror comic "Tales
from the Crypt" is beyond me, but this is the first of two such anthology films.
This flick scared the crap out of me back in the day, not because I actually saw it. I just hated the poster (left), which I recall being on Chicagoland billboards for months. I did see the last few minutes of it at a drive-in, even though I was there for the next film of a triple-feature, and the image of a man creeping down a corridor lined with razor blades stuck with me. (Ouch!)
It holds up surprisingly well to this day, once you get past the idea that the Crypt Keeper is played by Sir Ralph Richardson, and in no way resembles a wise-cracking, puppet corpse. Instead, he's the mysterious, humorless host of a group of folks who wander off the path during an underground tour. (It's not much of a spoiler to let you in the clichéd twist ending: THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!)
What ensues is a who's who of British actors in five gruesome tales, including Joan Collins as a murderess stalked by a maniacal Santa on Christmas Eve, and Peter Cushing in a heartbreaking performance as a sad, old rubbish-collector hounded to suicide by his rich neighbor. (It's okay, he comes back as a zombie next Valentine's Day and rips out his tormentor's heart.)
There's also an effective "Monkey's Paw" variant which takes that story's grisly conclusion one further, and a nasty revenge tale about the inhabitants of a home for the blind and the justice they mete out on ex-military officer turned administrator who starves them while living in luxury himself. (Remember that hallway of razor blades?)
Ratings Guide |
|
| Zero | What the hell were they thinking? Even Ed Wood was more entertaining. |
| 1/2 |
Dear God in Heaven. Probable involvement of Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay. |
|
Seriously shit. Based upon a Saturday Night Live skit. |
| 1/2 |
Mildly crap. Eddie Murphy made another family comedy. |
|
It's not good. It's not bad. It's just there. |
| 1/2 |
Has its moments. A bonus half star for a particularly cool robot or perky breast. |
|
Solid entertainment. Exploding robots and/or multiple bare breasts. |
| 1/2 |
As good as most movies can hope to achieve. May include full-frontal nudity. |
|
Like Mary Poppins herself, practically perfect in every way. |
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